


I don't like that you have to see it

by CodaDelta



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23599696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CodaDelta/pseuds/CodaDelta
Summary: "It wasn’t supposed to be a question to upset Jack. On further reflection, Ianto would concede that there was very little chance it wouldn’t, but in the moment it was just a passing curiosity, as he felt the steady rhythm of his heartbeat."Ianto asks Jack what it's like to come back from the dead.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29





	I don't like that you have to see it

**Author's Note:**

> lockdown got me binging torchwood, torchwood got me fucked up, so i wrote this when i should be writing my play which is worth 25% of my final year.

It wasn’t supposed to be a question to upset Jack. On further reflection, Ianto would concede that there was very little chance it wouldn’t, but in the moment it was just a passing curiosity, as he felt the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. The two of them were crowded in the narrow bunk below Jack’s office, tangled together in the aftermath of something Jack had been trying to get Ianto to try for at least three weeks, that Ianto wouldn’t admit how much he’d enjoyed, if only to avoid the smug look he always wore after something he considered a sexual victory- which happened far too often for his liking. It was always a mystery how they even managed to fit in Jack’s bunk, let alone explore a wide range of physical contortions, yet they always did. They hadn’t felt like making the journey back to Ianto’s flat in Radyr, and Jack had made it clear that there was no work getting done in his office after the others had left.  
Ianto’s head rested on Jack’s chest, exploring the skin with his fingers. It felt warm to the touch, slowing as Jack caught his breath. It was hard to believe that just a few hours ago, he was lying on the pavement with his head caved in as the blowfish wielding the offending hammer screamed and threatened Ianto and Tosh. Some of the blood from where Gwen shot the creature in the leg from behind a few moments later had splattered onto Jack’s lifeless face, making Ianto wince. It never got easier to watch Jack die. No matter how many times he saw him drop, lifeless to the floor and wake up no more than an hour later, there was still a sickening swoop of horror in Ianto’s stomach, and the sight today had been especially gory. There was always a little voice in the back of Ianto’s head, nagging the one question he had to push down if he wanted to carry on with his day: _what if he doesn’t come back?_  
He was always more likely to cave to what Jack wanted if he’d died earlier in the day, which wasn’t something that most people could say of their lover, and occasionally he wondered if he ever did it just to get his way. He would definitely use it to make his point in an argument.

“What’s it like?”  
“What?” From the sound of his voice, Jack had been drifting off.  
“Coming back.” There was a sharp intake of breath, and fingers came to stroke through Ianto’s hair.  
“Let’s not kill the mood.” Ianto looked up. The expression on Jack’s face was difficult. Anyone who didn’t know him would have taken the easy smile, but Ianto recognised the flash of discomfort that preceded it.  
“You died today, Jack.”  
“I die a lot.”  
“Jack.”  
“Ianto.”  
“Your brain was staining your shirt.” Jack huffed, pushing himself to sit up and almost tipping Ianto onto the floor as he did so.  
“It’s no big deal.”  
“It’s a big deal to me. You were beaten to death with a hammer, and you came back five minutes later like it was nothing. It’s the third time in four months.”  
“You don’t need to know.”  
“I’m serious.”  
“So am I.” His tone had changed, taking on a hard edge.  
“I watch you die too often.”  
“You think I like it?”  
“That wasn’t what I meant-”  
“You really wanna know?”  
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”  
“What did you mean, then? Was asking me what it’s like for me to die and not be able to stay that way your idea of nice pillow talk? Because honestly, I prefer your old material.”  
“Jack-” It was too late. Jack pulled himself up and, with some squirming over Ianto, stood. Ianto sat up.  
“Jack, come on.”  
“I need some air.”  
  
He was too quick to be argued with, only stopping to pull his coat on before hauling himself up the ladder towards his office. _Shit_. Way to go in arse first. As if there were any way that asking what it was like to die wouldn’t upset him. Ianto was still wearing his boxers, so he only had to find his shirt, hastily pulling it on and buttoning it before following. Stopping to think, he also picked up Jack’s trousers. His first thought was to follow him, but he thought better of it. He knew where he would have gone- the go to place for Torchwood Three team brooding was outside the tourist office, and although Jack had no qualms about being semi-dressed in public, it was unseasonably cold outside, so he was likely to be either in the vaults or up on the balcony. He had a tendency to want to put distance between himself and whatever had upset him.  
Ianto climbed up the ladder after him, stopping in his office to fold his trousers and tuck them under his arm. He couldn’t hear him up on the balcony, so he assumed he must have gone down to the vaults. Thinking about it, he stopped at the coffee machine on the way. Better to approach with an apology offering that he knew how to get right. Advantage of being the teaboy. It also gave him a couple of minutes breathing space. He decided something strong and hot was the best way to go. It gave Jack an opportunity for a comment anyway, and that was usually enough to at least somewhat mollify him.  
  
It was something of a juggling feat to open the door whilst holding two mugs and a pair of trousers. Jack was stood across from Janet’s cell, apparently engaged in a staring contest and losing, on account of weevils not having particularly prominent eyelids. He didn’t look up as Ianto walked in.  
“I brought you a cup of coffee.” He still didn’t look up. “And your trousers.” Still nothing. “I’ll just… leave them here.” Ianto hovered for a few seconds after setting the things down by the door, then made to go. He was two paces from the door when Jack spoke.  
“It’s like your soul being dragged across sandpaper.”  
“What?”  
“Coming back. Like it’s been ripped from your body and dragged across sandpaper and shoved back in.” He walked over and picked up the coffee cup, cradling it in his hands but not looking at Ianto. He turned back to face the cell. “My body knows it shouldn’t be alive. It knows it should be dead, and waking back up feels… feels like the universe knows it’s wrong too, it’s doing something it shouldn’t. So until there's something to ground me or put me back in my head it's just...It’s hard to explain.” Christ.  
“How-” In for a penny, in for a pound. “how many times?”  
“I lost count around forty.”  
“Jesus.”  
“No, he only did it once.” Iano rolled his eyes. Jack was finally looking at him, wearing his shit-eating grin.  
“Don’t try and tell me you’ve met him now.”  
“Nah. Wouldn’t want to be responsible for a new gospel.” Ianto didn’t want to dignify that with a response, let alone a laugh, so contented himself to sit in silence for a few seconds. Jack had never really talked about this before- not what acts of heresy he wanted to perform with figures from different major religions, he was fairly sure they’d had that conversation at least twice-, and it felt as though he was deflecting. On another occasion that would be enough to stop him, but not tonight.  
“Do you ever wonder if you won’t come back?”  
“No. I won’t get off that easily. I’m a fixed point.”  
“A fixed point in what?”  
“Time and space.” Ianto scoffed slightly.  
“As if your ego wasn’t big enough already.” Jack put a hand to his chest in most offence.  
“I was reliably informed.”  
“I’m not doubting it, I’m saying you were already a show off. Bending the laws of space and time will only make you worse.”  
“Wow, big words for someone who has shown me the settings on his coffee maker at least seven times.”  
“Because without me you’d be drinking instant.” He couldn’t think of anything more off-putting. Obviously Jack could see it on his face, and he chuckled, taking the opportunity to take a sip. The tension immediately slipped.  
“Ah, setting seventeen.” Ianto elbowed him lightly.  
“Is there anything after? Like, after it all goes black, I mean.” There was a brief pause where Jack studied his face carefully.  
  
“Do you really wanna know?” No, on second thought, he didn’t. He shook his head. Jack lifted Ianto’s hand to his mouth and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. The way he often did when they’d been fighting and he wanted him to know he’d let it go. It first came after an argument where Ianto had nearly punched him. He used the hand to gently pull Ianto towards him, wrapping arm arm around his shoulders.  
“I didn’t mean to upset you or anything, you know. I could just hear your heartbeat, and I couldn’t stop thinking about earlier… I don’t know.”  
“It’s okay. It’s happened so many times, I shouldn’t’ve got so angry.”  
“That’s not what I meant.”  
“It’s not nice, is the point.”  
“I won’t bring it up again.” Jack took a deep breath.  
“I don’t like that you have to see it. Any of you, but you especially.”  
“Well, as long as you don’t do it on purpose.”  
“Deal.” Jack pressed a kiss to his temple, before turning his attention to his coffee. Ianto was almost disappointed he didn't make a joke.  
  
“What were you doing in here, anyway?”  
“I was going to go outside, but I’m not exactly dressed, and coming back would make the exit less dramatic.” _Knew it_. Jack Harkness was nothing if not a massive drama queen.  
“Well, I brought your trousers, if you still want to go.”  
“See, now I was thinking that maybe I would leave them off." He unceremoniously dropped his mug, cutting off any protest from the guy who would have to clear it up by resting his hands on his hips and pulling him close to speak softly against his ear. "We still have the rest of the night.” Ianto raised an eyebrow.  
“What were you planning on?”  
“Well, there was that other thing...”  
“There are some perversions that even you can’t talk me into.” Jack was grinning.  
“You know, you throw the word perversion around before you even try things.”  
“Because if we did everything you wanted to, my heart would give out.”  
“Ahh, you’re no fun.”  
“I suppose that’s why you’re so keen to get me down here as often as possible.” Jack looked at him, eyebrows knitted together, and for a second Ianto worried that he’d said something wrong again, and then the expression was gone. “How about I get the stopwatch, and you get those handcuffs out of your desk?” The look on Jack’s face was definitely not suitable for a workplace environment.

**Author's Note:**

> comment and give me that sweet sweet seretonin


End file.
